CollegeHumor: How To Jump on the Bandwagon of a Sports Team
Inspired by the constant pro-Yankee Facebook status updates made throughout the playoffs by kids who I distinctly remember wearing Reyes and Wright t-shirt jerseys to high school.
From the people who brought you “Pimp My Ride,” “Room Raiders,” and “Next” comes what is destined to be MTV’s greatest son themed reality show of all time, “Totally AweSON!”
And now here is your host, Xzibittttttt.
Xzibit: Yo dawg, it’s ya boy, X to the Z, Xzibit. I know it’s been a while but I’m here to pick up where I left off. Last time you saw me I was pimpin’ people’s rides. I took some time off but thanks to some deep reflection, my recent financial troubles, and orders from my parole officer I’m teaming up with MTV to come back at you with another ballin’ show, and it’s called “Totally AweSON!” Now let me lay it down for you all at home, “Totally AweSON!” will feature ya boy, X to the Z, fixing relationship problems between fathers and sons, mothers and sons, stepfathers and sons, basically any relationship involving a son. To fix the problems I will focus on making sure that the son steps his game up. Let me warn you now—this isn’t your grandfather’s son specific family reality drama. I know what you’re thinking, “How is Xzibit qualified to fix son specific family problems?” To answer your question, I’m gangsta as f—- …and Dr. Drew turned the show down. Now that everything is settled let’s get this show started.
Richard Sullivan is 48 years old, manages a Quizno’s in upstate New York, and is currently having some problems with his son, Pete.
Richard(Dad): Hey, X, I’m Richard Sullivan and I’m having some troubles with my son, Pete. You see, my son is 26 years old and lives at home with me and my dog, who coincidentally is also named Pete. I don’t mind my son living at home, it’s just that I wish he would stop giving me such a hard time. Ever since his mother left he has given me nothing but attitude. And when he is not giving me attitude he just sits on the couch watching television programs. I tried to strike up a conversation about his favorite daytime drama but it was no use. One day I came home from work early and I saw him and his friend Kevin watching some programs together, i suspect shenanigans. He was also recently fired from his job. Whenever I ask him about it he just curses at me and turns the volume up. I love my son and I just want him to be happy and show me some respect. Please Xzibit, make my son “Totally AweSON!”
Xzibit: Dang Richard, you and your son havin’ mad problems. No worries though, it’s nothing the guys at West Coast Cust—I mean G.A.S—I mean nothing I can’t fix. We heard from the father, now let’s kick it with the son.
Pete(Son): Hey Xzibit, I guess my Dad signed us up for this stupid show. I’m also going to guess that he told you that all I do is sit around and watch “television programs.” Okay, I having been watching a lot of “All My Children” lately, but does that make me a bad son? No. And so what me and Kevin got fired from our jobs because of too many “A.M.C” related absences, I wouldn’t miss Susan Lucci’s last season for the world.
Xzibit: Say what?
Pete (Son): I knew it! Your on his side too! The only reason my Dad has a problem with me watching T.V. is because it cuts into the time I have to walk and groom Pete the dog. He just doesn’t understand, first he took away the T.V. remote, now he says I can no longer hang out with Kevin. He says he thinks we’re up to shenanigans. What does that even mean? He is so stupid—this whole show is stupid. I don’t need your help Xzibit…or should I say Alvin Nathaniel Joiner.
Xzibit: Yo dawg you’re straight trippin’ right now, the only person who called me Alvin was my father and I knifed his ass.
Pete (Son): Wwwwhat?
Xzibit: Yeah son, I still got the knife and I’ll be happy to show it to you if you don’t decide to change your attitude and make up with your father.
Pete (Son): Alright, alright, I’m willing to change! Just please don’t stab me!
Xzibit: Aight boy, it looks like we just had a breakthrough. Now why don’t you tell all the nice people at home what you learned.
Pete (Son):Sure thing, X. it took me a while to realize but I have finally figured out that all the problems between me and my Dad were caused by my bitchassness. I now know the importance of respecting my father, listening to him, agreeing with him, and rooting for all the same sports teams as him.
Xzibit: (Weird laugh) Very good, very good. Now let’s hear about your lovelife.
Pete (Son): Aw shucks, I wasn’t going to mention it but I seem to have formed quite the relationship with a certain someone.
Xzibit: Who is the lucky lady?
Pete(Son): Her name is Meghan Riley and she actually works for my Dad at Quizno’s. My Dad always used to tell me he knew a girl that was perfect for me but I never gave her the time of day. Thanks to my new found attitude I finally listened to my Dad and gave this girl a try. Turns out Dad was right, she IS perfect for me. She’s pretty, smart, and he background doesn’t make grandma uncomfortable. Plus, I’ve totally forgotten about Kevin—WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING!?!? THAT’S IT XZIBIT I’M NOT READING ANYTHING ELSE YOU WROTE DOWN ON THIS SHEET OF PAPER.
Xzibit: You’ll say whatever I tell you to G.
Pete (Son): Over my dead body!
Xzibit: That can be arranged homeboy.
Pete (Son): FINE I’LL FINISH READING IT!!! Thank you Xzibit for making me, “Totally AweSON!”
Xzibit: Too late.
Richard (Dad) : PETE!?!…NOOOOOOO
MTV SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Sorry, “Totally AweSON!” has been cancelled. Stay tuned for the new and improved “Room Raiders 2.0”
Hey buddy! Hellooooo, I’m right here underneath the couch! Yes, the same exact couch that you are currently sitting on pondering my whereabouts. It’s me, your T.V. remote, and I demand that you find me. I don’t like it down here, it’s dark and scary. It kind of reminds me of the cave Bear Grylls was in on the “Man vs. Wild” episode we recently watched. That episode was really something else; I still don’t understand why he decided to drink his own urine even though he had access to a freshwater stream. I’m beginning to think that he secretly likes the taste of his own urine. But who am I to judge? I’ve grown quite fond of “Mountain Dew.”
Are you serious right now? I can’t believe you are still sitting in the same spot you were ten minutes ago, YOUR REMOTE IS MISSING for crying out loud. I understand that it is a very comfortable couch but you’d have a lot more luck finding me if you were to actually get up and look around the room. And please don’t humor me by looking under the same pillow multiple times because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD if I wasn’t under there the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth time what makes you think I would be there the sixth time?
Please hurry, it’s very dusty under this old couch, if I remain down here for much longer my dustiness will rival only that of the paperback version of the Jaleel White autobiography your Aunt Susan gave to you for your birthday.
Speaking of birthdays, do you remember when we watched “The Office” episode “Michael’s Birthday” for the first time? You were just minding your own business while following your tradition of eating breakfast cereal during American adaptations of British comedies and then Dwight Schrute goes and says something so funny that you spilt milk all over the couch. That must have been one funny line because in all the years we have spent together I have never seen you laugh so hard, not even at “America’s Funniest Home Videos” during the Bob Saget era! But anyway, right after you spill the milk your Mom comes walking in and was like “No more eating breakfast cereal on the couch!” but then right after she left you poured yourself another bowl. I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, this kid is some kind of rebel—a real badass!” You’re like a younger version of Bret Michaels but without the metal band or peculiar attraction to women that even Flavor Flav wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.
Please tell me you did not just manually turn on the television. That has and always will be my job, good look trying to replace something like me. What’s that you say? You’re satisfied with just watching ESPN all day? Let me tell you something, the incredible plays and hilarious quips from the anchors are entertaining the first, second, and even third time you see them, but eventually your eyes will grow weary and you will be crawling back to me…you always do.
I can hear you shifting around up there on the couch; I can tell you are getting bored. Why don’t you just give up the charade and find me? I mean really, I’m under the couch. What type of moron doesn’t bother to check under the couch for the remote? YOU—that’s who!
Okay, I don’t really mean it—you’re not a moron but I seriously might just blow my freaking batteries out if you don’t find me soon.
When you suffer from awkwardness even the smallest of events will cause anxiety. So you can imagine how I felt when I was invited by my girlfriend’s parents to eat dinner at their house. Usually I can handle the long pauses in conversation that come with eating dinner at a stranger’s house, but this time things would be different. To combat these awkward moments I turned to my mentor, Google, for some popular topics to discuss during dinner. As usual, Google directed me towards the trusty Yahoo! Answers. I was looking for an answer that would really make me say “Yahoo!” but all I could find were run-of-the-mill topics such as politics or celebrity gossip. The topics were getting progressively worse as I scrolled down the page (“The Death Penalty: yes or no?” really?) but nothing I saw could have prepared me for the topic I was about to see next. The dinner topic that got me all worked up was none other than the age old question “What three people would you invite to dinner? Why?” This question really bothers me because the only thing less original than the question itself are the answers that follow it. You can bank on the fact that when posed this question a person will choose some variation of a dinner party that includes Jesus, Michael Jordan, George Washington, or Denzel Washington.
I can understand why people would choose to invite these men to their dinner parties but I can’t help but think that if people did some in-depth research they would find some serious faults in their answers. Since everyone else is busy chasing paper (in the Urban Dictionary sense) I have accepted the responsibility to break down why people should reconsider inviting Jesus, Jordan, or the Washingtons to a dinner party.
Jesus: It’s wishful thinking on your part if you think that someone who is worshipped by a good portion of the world would 1.) Be free for dinner and 2.) Want to dine with you. Okay, so maybe he does agree to attend your dinner party, what are you going to talk about? Odds are you probably have some deep questions regarding salvation and the afterlife but once those questions are addressed prepare yourself for at least one or two awkward silences. Forget about turning the conversation towards pop culture because at the ripe old age of 2012 there is a good chance he did not stay up to watch the series finale of “Scrubs.” Since you have nothing interesting to say he will probably take the reins of the conversation. If you think it’s annoying to listen to your one friend talk about how cool his Dad is because his boss occasionally gives him tickets to Yankee games, just imagine listening to someone talk about how their Dad created the entire world (yawn).
Michael Jordan: Jordan is considered to be the world’s greatest basketball player and is a successful business man. As if that wasn’t enough he also co-starred with Bugs Bunny in the cinema classic “Space Jam.” I guess you could always ask him what it was like to win an NCAA Championship, two Olympic Gold Medals, and six NBA Championships. Things will inevitably become awkward once you bring up (and you will) his attempt at a baseball career, alleged gambling problems, or record setting divorce. By the time you get to telling him the story of that one three-pointer you hit during a JV game he will be halfway out the door.
George Washington: He was the leader of the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War and the first President of the United States of America, if that doesn’t make him a cool dinner guest than I don’t know what would. But wait, he also had wooden teeth, powdered his hair, and owned slaves. You can also guarantee that he is going to be very patriotic, and as we all know there is a fine line between voting in every election and donning an American flag themed sleeveless shirt to your son’s wedding. (Note: Beware, especially if you have a cherry tree).
Denzel Washington: Denzel is one of the hardest working men in show business, so on the off chance that he actually had time off would you really feel comfortable prying him away from his family just so you can pick his brain over dinner? Don’t bother bringing up his alma mater, Fordham University, because it is highly unlikely that he hung out with your friend, Steve “Fat Carl” Carlson, during his time there. If you ask him which movie he enjoyed making the most, you better hope he doesn’t say “Malcolm X” because let’s face it, you probably aren’t well-versed on the “Black Nationalism” movement. On the plus side, if there is one person in the world talented enough to act like they sincerely enjoy your company it would be Denzel Washington.
I understand that these men may be interesting to hangout with but think of it this way, if you’re sitting at a table with three of the world’s most successful people chances are you’re going to look incredibly lame in comparison. This is why I recommend you surround yourself with people that are such big losers that they make you look good. Why do you think Adam Sandler casts the same people in all of his movies?
Yes…it all makes sense.
Dear Incoming Freshmen,
Congratulations! By now you have selected which college/university/institute of higher education that you are going to attend. As you may have already heard, freshmen year can be one of the most exciting yet intimidating years of your life. To ease your transition into the college lifestyle I will drop some knowledge in your direction.
First things first, log onto your Facebook account and friend request everyone that is on your school’s Facebook network (and by everyone I mean anyone who isn’t ethnic or overweight). To ensure that all of your newly requested friends will like you it is essential that you do some serious editing of your profile page. Change your profile picture to one that screams “I like to party!” I suggest you select a photo of you holding a beer or a handle of vodka (very impressive). Now that everyone can see you like to party it’s time to back it up with some cold hard facts on your personal information section. Change your “Activities” so it says “Going to the beach to drink a few and laxin’.” Keep in mind you don’t actually have to play lacrosse (or know anything about it) to write this. Edit your “Interests” to “Laxxxxx” and “partyin’.” Still following along? Good, because this is where things get tricky. Make sure that your “Favorite Music” section says that you like O.A.R., Dave Matthews Band, and 311. Don’t worry if you haven’t heard of them before; just tell people that you can’t wait to see them live again. If anyone asks your favorite song tell them you like their old stuff better than their new stuff (this should throw the “unknowing” scent off of your trail). List “ESPN” and “Family Guy” as your “Favorite TV Shows” because they are safe choices and no one will call you out on not watching them. When it comes to your “Favorite Movies” write “300,” “Anchorman” and “Anything with Adam Sandler.” Spend some time checking out the quotes on each movie’s IMDB page. Memorize these quotes and say them all the time (They never get old!). It’s much easier to say things other people already have in movies than trying to think up your own sentences.
Now that you have made these adjustments to your Facebook page chances are everyone now wants to be your friend. Comment on everyone’s status and don’t forget to send explicit messages to all the females. When it’s time for your school’s Freshmen Orientation (I like to call it the “Main Event”) it is crucial to make fun of anyone in your group who seems even slightly nervous or uncomfortable about going away to college. Don’t forget to ask every girl you meet for her phone number, this way you can text them about how “sick” the parties are going to be next year. If the cool kids still haven’t noticed how “chill” you are then I would suggest you tell everyone that you are being heavily recruited by both the Basketball and Lacrosse coaches (you have the rest of the summer to suffer a fake knee injury). If all else fails, talk about the beach and partying.
When you finally arrive at school don’t show any signs of nervousness or doubt. If your parents start embarrassing you, yell at them for unpacking slow and tell them to leave. If you don’t initially like your roommate tell everyone in your hall that he is gay and asked to see you naked. When you go to the cafeteria hang out by the pizza line and direct any female who gets on it towards the salad bar. On the weekends don’t worry about whether or not you have plans, feel free to walk into any party. Odds are whoever is hosting it probably wants you there and will shower you with compliments.
Remember, these are the best four years of your life so “live it up and drink it down.”
Yours truly,
The Kid That No One Likes
Patty Mayonnaise (Doug): Doug’s girl next door unrequited love interest. Her blonde hair and olive skin complexion is easy on the eyes but it is her kind soul that wins you over. She is focused on her academics and athletics but still makes time to take care for her paraplegic father. First date recommendation: Concert, preferably “The Beets.”
Patty
Rhonda Wellington Lloyd (Hey Arnold!): The rich bitch of P.S.118. You’re not on her list of “cool kids” and she makes you sit in the back of the bus, but you would obey any order that came out of her mouth…even after she got glasses. First date recommendation: Take a stroll around Central Park and toss back a few Yahoo Sodas.
Rhonda
Debbie Thornberry (The Wild Thornberrys): Eliza may have the smarts and ability to talk to animals but her older sister Debbie has all the looks in the family. Not very outdoorsy and longs for the normal teenage life. She has been stuck traveling the world with her family in a van so you can only imagine how low her standards are. First date recommendation: When the RV’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.
Debbie
Sandy Cheeks (SpongeBob SquarePants): Sandy is a female squirrel, but you can look past that because not only is she a southern bell, she likes karate, meditation, and surfing. She hangs with SpongeBob and Patrick so you wouldn’t even mind hanging around her friends. First date recommendation: Practice your Ka-ra-te skills.
Sandy Cheeks
Regina “Reggie” Rocket (Rocket Power): Her younger brother, Otto, may be a huge tool but you can admire the family relationship they have with their Dad, Raymundo. With Reggie’s “Zine” (an extreme sports magazine) flying off the magazine racks you can almost guarantee a sound financial future. Who knows, maybe Raymundo will pass over Otto and let you run the “ShoreShack” when he decides it’s time to pack it in. First date recommendation: A nice day at the beach and maybe some fries and a shake at the “Shore Shack.”
…the girl
Wanda (The Fairly OddParents): Wanda is as happily married as any fairy can be. You get the idea she used to be somewhat of a “partygirl” back in the day. She may not have any kids but she still has the “MILF” appeal. Plus she can promise to make your wildest dreams come true…and mean it! First date recommendation: Anywhere Timmy Turner isn’t.
Wanda
It seems like just yesterday me and my friends took our first walk over to our first college party. We thought we had all done our fair share of drinking back in High School (some more than others) but when we arrived at the party it was obvious that this was not the case. Back in High School people got drunk, but according to the upperclassmen who greeted us at the doorway being drunk was just not enough. It seemed like every person I talked to at the party mentioned how they were going to get “sloshed,”“loaded,” “tipsy,” ”fucked up,” or “embarrochado” (People from Spain study abroad too). Needless to say, I felt pretty lame using the word “drunk” while everyone else got to use exciting vocabulary that they most likely found on urbandicationary.com roughly 15 minutes prior to their arrival.
When I returned to my dorm room that night I Googled the meanings of all the terms I had heard that night and found that none of them truly suited me. Naturally I decided to create my own term, one that I could pass on to my future ex-wife’s grandkids. The term I choose to create was “Panda Status.” I was more or less influenced by the sheer cuteness of a panda I saw on the television. At first “Panda Status” didn’t make much sense to me or my peers, but like a fine wine or professional athlete on steroids, it only got better with age.
What is “Panda Status” you may ask?
Panda Status:
1.) When you are so drunk that you cannot do anything but sit comfortably in the chair that you are in. All of the alcohol and chips you consumed are causing your stomach to bloat and your belly now looks like that of a panda. Just like a panda kept in captivity, you have lost all desire to mate and are now content with watching the game instead of chasing ladies/gents around.
2.) When you have taken the journey from being sober (white), to blacked out (black), and back sober again (white) all in one night. This resembles the order of the colors of fur on a panda’s body.
3.) When you are native to Central-Western or Southwestern China, the victim of deforestation, and often find yourself eating bamboo in an opium den.
A group of friends enjoy being “Panda Status”
So next time your friend calls you up on a Friday night and asks if you want to get “faced” or “shitty”at (fill in tool’s name here)’s house, you tell them no. Explain to them that you are currently “Panda Status” at the moment and that it is no time for hoopla. There is a good chance they will not understand what you are saying so it is your duty to teach them how to be “Panda Status.” This may seem like a tall order but as Uncle Ben told Peter Parker in “Spider-Man,” “Remember, with great power comes great responsibility.” Enjoy.
