January 2012
41 posts
I don’t always use words incorrectly, but when I do I’m discrete about it.
80% of showing up is explaining why you were late.
Accidentally poking someone back on Facebook is like getting an erection when they sit on your lap.
I don’t mind playing second fiddle, but I never want to be the deli someone buys toilet paper from.
Developing your voice as a writer is difficult, unless you’re okay with adding (You know, like Fran Drescher) to the end of each sentence.
How I Like to Think Newt Gingrich Decided to Run...
Gingrich: Are you saying "Not my president" or "Newt, my president"?
Angry Mob: (Throws Stuff)
Hans Moleman: I was saying "Newt, my president."
I wish I could do that obnoxious thing all of those idiots at the gym can do with their chest. What’s it called? Love?
1 tag
I’d wear my heart on my sleeve, but I hate Ed Hardy shirts.
1 tag
You can always tell I’ve had too much coffee when my heart explodes and I die.
Childbirth is impressive, but a woman’s ability to turn a “push” door into a “pull” just by being present is absolutely incredible.
alexwatthascable:
People say TV is a distraction, but I prefer to call it a reminder not to think about other things.
I have cable television, a new blog where I’ll post my thoughts while watching it, and the dignity of a guy who just wrote that.
An Imagined Conversation Between Apple Store...
Employee 1: It's so cool that we can just stand here.
Employee 2: I know, right?
Employee 1: ...
Employee 2: That guy looks like he might want to buy something.
Employee 1: I know, right?
Employee 2: ...
Employee 1: We should have sex after this.
Employee 2: I know, right?
1 tag
Another Excerpt from My Stupid, Embarrassing Life:
Doing his best to maintain good posture or, at the very least, avoid melting into the computer screen, he racked his brain to try and come up with what he must have said or done to make everyone mad at him.
“A Toddlers and Tiaras dubstep remix? How could I be so crass?” he thought as he clicked the link that drew no response from even the...
1 tag
My life is stupid and embarrassing, so I think I’m going to start writing about the really lame stuff like it’s part of a cool novel.
“I can just hold it like a football,” he said as he cradled the sandwich in his long, simian arm—knocking a bottled beverage from the delicate hand of the woman standing behind him. He had yet to leave the line of payment, but already the moronic...
“whoopie goldburgh died.”
I don’t get a lot of texts from my younger brother, but I’m always glad when I do.
Everything is going to be all right. I know, because I’m a lefty.
1 tag
I hate to use the phrase “spiritual journey,” but not as much as “sitting alone in my room because everything in the world scares me.”
1 tag
It’s a shame I didn’t realize the guy at the Apple Store was a genius until after he hanged himself with iPod headphones.
1 tag
I’m approximately 68 days, 15 tracks, and 1 high-profile feud away from dropping my mixtape, “The Winter of My Diss Content.”
I pull my pants down and hambone “Total Eclipse of the Heart” in the middle of Time Square more than any self-respecting man should.
1 tag
I can never figure out the right way to bring up the entire universe existing only in my mind to the person sitting next to me in Chipotle.
My laptop of four years broke because I tried to download an episode of “The Simpsons” I own on DVD. So, yeah, let’s just say porn.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, I’d probably hire a publicist.
If I could only use one word to describe my friends, I’d be the hype man for a rap group.
1 tag
I live “The Bachelor” lifestyle in that, at the very most, two hours of my week could be considered entertaining.
1 tag
I hate reading more than one book at a time because I can never keep track of how much better than everyone else I am.
It’s depressing how quickly “Let’s see how many bagels I can eat” turned into “This is how many bagels I’m going to eat.”
1 tag
I wish I could say the n-word, but, apparently, gnome starts with a g.
1 tag
Rihanna finding love in a hopeless place has got to be the coolest thing to ever happen in Albany.
CollegeHumor Staff Blog: Diaries of an Air Bud... →
October 2nd, 1997
Wow! I made the basketball team! I can hardly believe it – all of that hard work and practice finally paid off. Coach Barker said he saw something special in me. I have the utmost faith in his judgment, and I will do my best to live up to his expectations.
…
I know we’re only 3 days into it, but Andrew Bridgman has already scribed the funniest article of...
1 tag
When you assume, you make an ass out of the University of Maine. Probably.
1 tag
It’s troubling how, just when you think you know somebody, you can find out they’re actually a stray dog with a backwards baseball cap on.
1 tag
A spot where people aren’t is a neuroasis.
1 tag
We’re going to shift our eyes and mumble the title of one song, and one song only.
1 tag
This year, I plan on adopting a new attitude—or whatever that foreign baby’s name was.
December 2011
58 posts
I don’t talk in my sleep but, apparently, I do yell “Oh shit, there’s an ESPN Zone.”
Never meet your heroes and definitely don’t eat at a fast food restaurant you always wanted to try but doesn’t have locations in your area.
Anonymous asked: you look exactly like DaU2ubePrince6969. Is he your brother or something?
1 tag
Eating a Subway sandwich on a train is like lighting a turkey-based cigar and blowing smoke circles of sadness in every passenger’s face.